Humor writer Jim Mize offers 20 sure signs it's time to retire your boat.
People can become as attached to their vessels as barnacles to a boat bottom. These owners may cling to their boats for their memories of children now grown, of good times on the lake, or simply because they are too cheap to fork over enough loot for a new one.
For instance, our family pleasure boat no longer holds our family. When the kids were dabblers, we fit handily. Now, with four adults, we don’t even meet the weight restrictions. No one believes me when I suggest the boat was left on the lake too long and shrank.
Every boat has its day and it comes time to move on. The trick is figuring out when to sell. Fortunately, it’s not that difficult.
Listed below are twenty clues that your boat has expired like a parking meter out of quarters. If any of these conditions sound familiar, then make an appointment with your nearest boat dealer. Don’t even negotiate when he tells you the price. Whatever it is, he’s doing you a favor.
Your boat is past due for retirement when:
1) Your cabin cruiser is condemned by the Orkin Man.
2) The engine repair shop schedules you for every Monday.
3) The National Marine Museum bids on your boat.
4) You start to lose the Battle of the Bilge.
5) The previous owner paid for it with gold doubloons.
6) Your agent will only insure it while on the trailer.
7) Your outboard’s horsepower is measured in ponies.
8) The local Power Squadron puts you in their manual as a bad example.
9) People show up to place bets when you launch.
10) You fought your relatives over the boat when you inherited it. You lost.
11) Your most advanced navigational tools involve stars and moss on tree trunks.
12) The original fish finder on your boat was a scuba mask.
13) One more coat of paint alone would exceed your rated weight limits.
14) You fish only at night to avoid being recognized.
15) Your electric motor came with a really long extension cord.
16) Your fire extinguisher is a bucket.
17) The mice nesting under the deck are wearing life jackets.
18) The bow has a platform for the harpooner.
19) Your fishing buddies chipped in and bought you a life raft.
20) The county appraised it and at tax time sent you a check.
If any of these hints reminded you of your boat, consider putting it on the market. But a few words of caution: Try an alias. List it in another state. Take only cash. And whatever you do, don’t sell it to someone who might invite you aboard.
