Humor writer Jim Mize's silly attempt at creating the ultimate guide to cooking roadkill, with dishes like possum pilaf, bobcat chops and coyote-ugly kabobs.
The U.S. government has launched a new campaign to reduce food waste. In my house, that’s not a problem. More likely, you have to keep from getting a hand stabbed by a fork reaching for the last piece of chicken.
The area where I do see a lot of food waste is on our highways. Roadkill abounds. Yet standing between us and some high-class meals is one missing ingredient, namely, an upscale roadkill cookbook.
So to begin filling this void, I’ve begun my own list of recipe ideas with the hope that a chef somewhere, probably under the influence, will help develop a full range of roadkill recipes. Here is an assortment of ideas to get the process started.
Possum Pilaf (pronounced “peel-off”)
This recipe is not one you normally plan. The first step, usually, begins with acquiring a possum. The second step is to “peel off the possum from your bumper,” followed by “remove all gravel and asphalt.”
Possum is not considered to be in the fast food category; otherwise, it would have made it across the road.
The good thing about possum pilaf is that any side dish will work. An animal that eats anything can be eaten with anything.
Jack Rabbit Jambalaya
Jack rabbits lend themselves to spicy, ethnic recipes, mainly because you want the dish to look and taste like something else. In cases that involve guests, you probably need to do this at least until dinner is over.
Cajun seasonings have one additional benefit; they’ll keep you hopping and you won’t have to blame the rabbit.
Marmot Pot Pies
Nothing sticks to your ribs like home-cooked marmot. At least, that’s what I’ve heard. With enough vegetables, seasoning, and a good pastry-shell crust, this might even taste like chicken. Almost everything does.
Once these catch on, don’t be surprised to see them in the frozen foods section of your grocery store. Just pop them in your microwave and zap them. Nothing’s quicker than marmot unless it’s the truck that dropped them.
Pit-Cooked Whistlepig
I can envision cook-offs springing up all over. Debates will arise over ketchup, mustard and vinegar-based sauces. Once wild barbecue explodes across the country, Punxatawney Phil will probably be afraid to poke his head out.
Cook-off teams should have a field day naming their secret groundhog recipes. You could easily imagine names such as “Twice-Smoked Whistlepig”, “Whistlepig in a Poke”, and “Hotter Than a Tailpipe Barbecue”.
Prairie Dog-Gone
For this recipe, begin by collecting what’s left of 57 prairie dogs. Serves one.
Actually, prairie dogs can be served in a variety of ways. There’s Prairie Hot Dogs, Prairie Dogs in a Blanket, and Beanee Wiener Dogs.
Armadillos Rockefeller
Also known as possum on the half shell. This upscale appetizer goes well with a variety of wines. In fact, you may need multiple bottles before dinner to get your buddies to eat this one.
Best if actually served on the half shell.
Raccoon-Aroni . . . The Mississippi Treat
After all the years these critters have been trying to get into your garbage, now they can get there through your kitchen. In fact, you might begin by leaving a trail of grapes from the garbage can to your oven.
Lots of mixes could help stretch a dish of raccoon. Besides Raccoon-Aroni, we could use some Raccoon Helper, or maybe even Uncle Bubba’s Raccoon and Rice.
Porcupine
Don’t be silly; no one eats porcupine. But they do make great toothpicks.
They also make excellent table decorations. Just skewer fruit on each quill. Nothing says party like a porcupine.
Coyote-Ugly Kabobs
You can try to make these pretty, but why bother? Just make them macho. With enough hickory smoke, marinade and slow-cooking, you might be surprised. Then again, maybe not.
Definitely a dish to serve when the boss comes to dinner.
Bobcat Chops
Eat this before it eats you. Have plenty of Rolaids on hand. This dish can sneak up on you.
Crow
Usually eaten with a witness. Method of preparation generally depends on what bet you lost.
There is one crow recipe that goes back for ages, probably the oldest in the cookbook. My only comment is that “4 and 20 black birds baked in a pie” is way too many.
Once someone comes out with a good cookbook, roadkill may rise to a new level of prominence and glamour. Who knows? With the wide range of critters and flavors available, a whole new school of cooking might emerge.
Perhaps it will be the next dining craze in New York City, especially if we don't tell them what they're eating.
