Imagine if fishermen were honest, or if fishermen could stretch the truth the way other professions do. Our humor writer share his deep thoughts on fish tales...
Fishermen have been stereotyped as routinely stretching the truth tighter than the elastic on Colonel Sanders’ long johns. Somewhere, however, a few honest fishermen must exist. But “honest fisherman” sounds like an oxymoron and this might be precisely the word to describe this phrase. To understand the implications of being an oxymoron, let’s look at the word’s roots. “Oxy” means containing oxygen, or in this case, hot air. “Moron” means . . . well, let’s just say the word fits.
Perhaps we’re just holding fishermen to an unreasonable standard compared to others in society. Take weathermen, for example. They use words like “possibility” and “likelihood.” If we gave fishermen as much leeway as weathermen, here’s what a fishing report would sound like.
“There’s a 50 percent chance Jim will be truthful about his catch today, falling to 10 percent after dark and dropping to near zero by the weekend. If his fish-catching drought continues, however, we may have to impose talking restrictions.”
Politicians represent another group that we don’t refer to as blatant liars, but they can be a little mealy-mouthed, having learned to use a lot of words without saying anything. Maybe fishermen should talk like politicians.
“So, Jim, have any luck?”
“Boy, I’ll say.”
“Anything of any size?”
“Big is a relative term. I’ve caught smaller.”
“What was your best fish?”
“The second one.”
How do the "honest" fish with a clear conscience?
On the other hand, if all fishermen are dishonest, imagine the strain that puts on some groups known for their honesty. For instance, I’ve known a lot of preachers who liked to fish. Talk about stress.
While qualifying for merit badges in fishing, Boy Scouts must sweat like sumo wrestlers. I mean, how do you excel at this sport when you begin by raising three fingers and saying a pledge that includes the words, “Scout’s honor?”
One place I would like to see fishermen is in court being asked questions under oath. For starters, you’d have to swear them in on a stack of Bass Pro catalogs. Then, if you hooked one of these guys to a polygraph, he’d get overly excited when he saw all those spikes in the graph and mistook them for a school of stripers on a fish finder.
To make it even more exciting, what if the jury of his peers was all fishermen? Would they let him say anything he wanted out of professional courtesy?
Some who fish are never challenged with the truthfulness of their fishing tales. For instance, remember the photo of a grizzly bear grabbing a leaping salmon out of the air with his mouth? Imagine his story back at the cave.
“Well, I was leaning out over this waterfall when a big ‘un jumped right in front of me and I grabbed him with my teeth.”
Only a grizzly could get away with such a story, and for good reason. He’s a GRIZZLY BEAR!
Pinocchio, on the other hand, might have unusual skill as a fisherman. His nose would end up so long he could use it for a cane pole.
How to tell a fish tale the right way
If fishermen are going to continue stretching the truth, they should at least improve this core fishing skill. Here are a few pointers that should help beginners and veterans alike.
First, there are preferred ways to document the size of your fish. One of my friends suggested I report the length of my fish in metrics, just so they sound longer. I did one better: I started using Roman numerals. Unfortunately, now my friends just think I’m a bad speller.
Also, it helps to hold the fish much closer to the camera than you are. I’ve seen crappie stretched up to about three feet with this technique. It looks like the kind of fish that could supply an All-You-Can-Eat buffet. By itself.
An alternative approach is to never measure or photograph a fish, just estimate its size. Discover whether you’re worse at guessing length or weight and use that one.
If you own a digital scale or a ruler, lose them. I made mine out of bungee cord. Now, when I stretch the truth, it snaps back by itself.
All in all, fishermen seem to get a bad rap being stereotyped as stretchers of the truth. But as I think about it, most of my fishing buddies really are oxymorons.
