Attack of the armadillos

I have good news and bad news regarding armadillos. The bad news is that we’re under attack by armadillos. The good news is that if we build forts to defend ourselves, we can get by with really low walls.

It’s fairly easy to tell these critters are on the attack; just look at the armor they wear. Maybe it’s weighing them down, because luckily, they are progressing north slowly. In fact, armadillos seem to be moving north at the same speed as kudzu. This would be more impressive if one end of the armadillo was planted.

Not everyone is waiting at the state line with open arms to welcome them, since armadillos can be destructive with their habit of burrowing and digging. For instance, a few armadillos can play havoc on a golf course. But considering that they are just enlarging the holes, you would think golfers would be a little more forgiving.  The larger holes could improve their scores.

Also, it does not appear that our myriad of lakes and rivers will protect us. That’s because armadillos are excellent swimmers even though their approach is somewhat odd. To gain buoyancy, armadillos swallow air to inflate their intestines. No word on how they let the air out.

Not all of the armadillos’ habits sound so bad, though. For instance, the armadillo has a sticky tongue that’s good for picking up insects, but probably bad for getting them off afterwards, sort of like a truck-stop fly strip.

While eating, armadillos constantly grunt, making noises some think could be translated as “need salt” or “tastes like chicken.” Wildlife biologists remain quiet on this point.

One reason armadillos are spreading out is that the typical litter consists of quadruplets. Interestingly, these youngsters are biologically identical, as if any of us could tell the difference otherwise.

Armadillos are both nocturnal and have poor eyesight, which might explain why so many of them are found on the road. They might have thought they could see better in the headlights.  

Scientists say that armadillos in the U.S. date back about one million years, which if you will note, is well before the introduction of cars. You have to wonder what the cowboys thought of these critters and whether they ever ran out in front of their horses.

Cars and armadillos seem to have a personal relationship . . . a close personal relationship.  

The reason armadillos show up as roadkill is due to one of their bad habits. When alarmed, the armadillo leaps into the air. Unfortunately, this puts them about even with your bumper. Luckily, however, they rarely get up to windshield level.

Something like a jumping armadillo must scare a lot of drivers. Imagine you’re tooling along in a Mini and see one of these warrior possums up about eye level. You wouldn’t know if he was going to clear the top or total your car.

One group that probably welcomes armadillos is the wrecker drivers. These guys probably have both possums and armadillos working on commission.

Armadillos have something of a western flavor to them. In Montana, for instance, armadillos are classified as livestock. The good news is that the fences are low; the bad news is that armadillo drives take forever.

Like the possum, armadillos are omnivores, so “possum on the half-shell” is a fitting nickname. Actually, armadillos take a lot of ribbing with their nicknames. During the Depression, armadillos were called “Hoover Hogs.” Since not all Americans had a chicken in every pot, many resorted to having an armadillo in every pothole. I’m not sure if I’d resort to eating an armadillo. And even if they are edible, how would you dress one? With a can-opener?

The other thing I’ve always wondered is if once you get the shell off, can you put it to your ear and hear Texas?

The Spanish first nicknamed the armadillo, whose name apparently translates as “little armored one,” or in modern English, “Hummer on the hoof.”

Oddly enough, this quirky critter has a number of fans.  One company even markets a lady’s handbag that looks like an armadillo. This is the perfect gift for someone who wants their purse to be run over by a car.

All in all, these weird-looking critters that are invading us may be protecting us in some odd way. Just think, if aliens land on earth and the first creature they face is an armadillo, they could go home thinking that even though Earthlings are none too bright, they are definitely tough.